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Other
Guide
for taking dumps at work | bathroom
jokes | Urban Legend
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Guide
for Taking a Dump at Work
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| We've
all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something a brew down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those of you who hate pooping at work as much
as I do, I give you the Survival Guide for Taking
a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping
at work will become a pure pleasure. |
| ESCAPEE
|
| Definition:
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment.
This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy. |
| JAILBREAK
(Used in conjunction with escapee) |
| Definition:
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea
or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred. |
| COURTESY
FLUSH |
| Definition:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop
is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME. |
| WALK
OF SHAME |
| Definition:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH. |
| OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPER |
| Definition:
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the
bathroom. |
| THE
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) |
| Definition:
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. |
| SAFE
HAVEN |
| Definition:
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom. |
| TURD
BURGLAR |
| Definition:
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. |
| CAMO-COUGH |
| Definition:
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE. |
| ASTAIRE
|
| Definition:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace. |
| WATERMELON |
| Definition:
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH. |
| HAVANA
OMELET |
| Definition:
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. |
| UNCLE
TED |
| Definition:
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes
it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees. |
| FLY
BY |
| Definition:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others
in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful
not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom. |
| CRACK
WHORE |
| Definition:
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes,
piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES
at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans
each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good
cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN. |
back to top
|
Bathroom
Jokes
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| CAN'T
DO THAT IN A REST HOME |
One
evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother
to a nursing
home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared
for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely
flower garden. She
seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to
lean over sideways in
her chair.
Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch
her and straighten
her up.
Again
she seems OK, but after a while she starts to
tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more
bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later
the family arrives to see how the old woman is
adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are
they treating you all
right?" they ask.
"It's
pretty nice," she replies. "Except they
won't let you fart."
|
| NO
USE KNOCKING |
A
drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and
sat down in a
confession box, saying nothing.
The
bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention,
but still the
man said nothing.
The
priest then knocked on the wall three times in
a final attempt to
get the man to speak.
Finally,
the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate,
there's no paper
in this one either."
|
| GOD
AND THE OLD MAN'S PEE |
70-year-old
George went for his annual physical. All of his
tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George,
everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship
with your
God?"
George
replied, "God and me are tight. He knows
I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the
middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when
I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow,"
commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A
little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's
wife. "Thelma," he
said,"George is just fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up
during the night and (poof!) the light goes on
in the bathroom, and then
(poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma
exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in
the refrigerator
again!"
|
| THREE
IGLOOS |
There
were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while
they
were at their local bar, they got to talking about
how cold
it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.
They could
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest,
so they
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest
igloo.
They
went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said
"Watch
this!" and poured a cup of water into the
air. Well, the water
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad",
said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was
colder still.
So
they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he
said "Watch
this!" and took a big breath and exhaled,
whereupon his breath
froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow,
that's
colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But
the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said
"Watch this!"
and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick
furs, and
retrieved one of several small balls of ice there.
He took it,
put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
|
| DOCTOR,
I HAVE A GAS PROBLEM |
A
little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor,
I have this
problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted
at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office.
You
didn't know I was farting because they don't smell
and are silent.
The
doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next
week."
The
next week the lady goes back. "Doctor,"
she says, "I don't know what
the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although
still silent...stink
terribly."
The
doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared
up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
|
back to top
|
Urban
Legend
|
A
friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to
Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles
of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect,
12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness
all over, the “tell me when we’re having
fun” kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her
husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.
He told her not to worry that he was sure there
was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the
form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away.
If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button
in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below
zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running
out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her
pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all
white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.
No one would even notice, he assured her. The white
will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she
headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded
to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the
side of a slope, then you know there is a right
way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don’t
move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the
wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing
moments. Without warning, the woman found herself
skiing backward, out of control, racing through
the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto
another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side
were still bare, her pants down around he knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control,
creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely,
back under the lift, and finally collided violently
with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her
arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At
long last her husband arrived, putting an end to
her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain
and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her
to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a
man with an obviously broken leg was put in the
bed next to hers. “So how’d you break
your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It
was the darnest thing you ever saw,” he said,
“I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly
I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this
crazy woman skiing backward out of control down
the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of
her clothes and her pants down around her knees.
I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I
didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell
out of the lift.”
“So how’d you break your arm?”
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